It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my being single is dangerous.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
