i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
