hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
