I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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