If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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