Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
