Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
