Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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