I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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