Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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