Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
