This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
