It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Blood and glitter go together right?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
