my phone needs a breathalizer
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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