My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
