The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I smell like Dick and happiness
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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