Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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