Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
