WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
