just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
