I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
