I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
