so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We left the knife in your bed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
