Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
