drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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