Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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