i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Never joke about your clitoris.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
