Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
