I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
