I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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