There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
