Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
