I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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