i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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