meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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