we have pet lesbian snakes
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
