I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize