My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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