fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
