I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
