You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
