i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
