I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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