Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
