Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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