so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize