found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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