i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
