I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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