Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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