I accidentally had phone sex last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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