addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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