Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize