I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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