based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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