Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
