well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
