I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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